I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
