??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
