Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
