I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
