"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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