News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Can I color on your dick again?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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