why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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