Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
