I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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