we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
