Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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