when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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