Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
