My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
