I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
