I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
