I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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