Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
