i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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