He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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