the new term for farting is butt boxing.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
