sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
