i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
