Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
