He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
