that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Everclear isn't food dammit
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
