im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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