im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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