I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
why does every cop we meet know your name?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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