You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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