Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
