I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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