Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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