Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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