beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
