And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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