I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
