our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
