someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
