You're my little dorito
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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