WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
