I think im going to throw up on grandma
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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