Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
