A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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