My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
BRING THE BAGELS
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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