We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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