I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
