How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
