I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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