my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
