it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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