i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
