now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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