They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
