worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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