we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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