I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
